Off To The Races

Too nervous to engage. Always afraid of rejections. Feel guilty if I miss something. Tracking and feeling responsible for her life. Trying to be adaptable. Longing for approval. My energy is always focused on something else. I rarely feel good about myself. Constantly wanting approval of the people I look up to. Longing for connection and understanding. Avoiding abandonment.

When will I learn?

I’m doing my very best to stay level headed. I’ve always did what’s asked from me. I want out. Sometimes it’s so exhausting. You are surrounded but you feel alone. I need more time. Time is so little. You can’t buy it. I can’t afford to idle or lose even a few minutes of it. I’ve looked at my cutters numerous times this week – wanting to hurt myself. Wanting to succumb to the demons inside me. Now, I’m starting to know what hard work really is. The grind. But sometimes I just want a simple peaceful life. Gambling has become a hobby which is bad. I want and need a good sleep. That’s what I’ll do this upcoming short break. Reflect, rethink, regroup. Come out on top.

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